I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
BRING THE BAGELS
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
