WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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