I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
