i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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