Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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