it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
