he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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