whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
