before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
