trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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