k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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