Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
