My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
