Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
