you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
