Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
