My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
