I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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