he fucked my hip out of place.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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