i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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