I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
