We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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