just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
