i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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