dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
