I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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