nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
