you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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