how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
