god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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