It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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