i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
