Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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