I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
