I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What a dumb baby whore.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
