is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
