and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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