Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize