why didn't you poke me back
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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