i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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