he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
