worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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