The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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