Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
