Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
