please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
