eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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