I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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