I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
