Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
